Not feeling much better from the other day. Still feels like I swallowed a bitter gull. Even in the rapidity that I felt at this time I felt it was my time to go, time to move on from what has kept me in pain. Sickness has made it to the point where I am abandoned and left aside. Only if what I desire would come to me then I would realize myself and remove this poison, but it seems that will never happen and I must take the long sad road out. I must live with a poison inside me giving me pain everyday for the rest of my life. Then in the end what? I did not accomplish what I wanted to do in life and let what I wanted to slip away forever. But I will find a way to sever myself from this, I'll break and let it all out. If it was never meant to be I can take it and live an even greater life of misery, for a moment of great pleasure and that is not a good life to live. But is it better for me to just hide and let it all slip by? I will have to find some way or hope for a miracle and both of those seem very unlikely. I could seek religion and ask god for help, or I could even ask the devil it seems like he would be the one to ask if you really wanted something. But my faith in those mythological fairy tales is non existent because I live in a world where everything has no meaning and just because you are here doesn't really mean anything. You don't matter you don't change anything but does that mean you shouldn't have at least a happy life? One that if you looked back on you would think man I really had a wonderful life. Some of us are lucky to live long enough to even think those thoughts. Your life could end at any moment it doesn't matter who you are no one is eternal that is for sure. Don't think this is a bad thing. Because it could happen to someone you hate, and you won't ever haft to deal with it. But the chances are grim and if it does happen then I will surely find a way to get what I want to obtain in life, to get my current goal I have nailed to my mind that I must reach and yes there are other much more important things I need to do and accomplish that would help my chances, but I don't do anything about it. So I guess all I can do now is sit in my dark hole and watch the sky fly by and just dream of things that could have been, but that is the worst way to live of all. So the point of all this is to not let fear stop you, if you really want to do something in life do it. No matter what it is if your meant to do this, and you know it do it because you may never have another chance.
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